Self-love, body positivity, comfort within your skin. It’s something everyone should have. But so few of us actually have it. I follow a lot of people who are body positive and who promote self-love and, hoping not to sound too dramatic, I am so grateful to have found these accounts. They give me a boost on days when I’m feeling less than shiney.

And when I look at these accounts I proud of the owners because they should feel self-love. They should feel positive. They look amazing to me, they promote happiness and positivity and many times I get excited when I read things and decide, resolutely to apply them to myself.

But that tends to be where it ends. I’ve been very quiet on social media, and maybe in general over the last few weeks. Things have been crazy at work and adjusting to the new lockdown is weird, especially with Christmas coming. But while I’ve been outwardly quiet, inwardly there has been a lot going on. I don’t feel depressed, I do feel anxious but that is a constant with me that ebbs and flows and I work on as much as possible. I do feel a bit befuddled, which has been a common theme of the last few months with me.

Before I went back to work I didn’t really know what to expect. The one thing I really hadn’t thought about was the lack of freedom to go walking every day or go a run whenever you feel like it. The structure has been a bit of a struggle to get back into and, not only that. I have gone from walking at least once a day to only really doing it at the weekends. I’ve gone from mostly fasting till lunch to eating junk almost continuously. I’m more tired, I’ve gained weight and my fitness has definitely dropped.

And I’ve come to a revelation. All these people I admire, those who are practicing and preaching self love, they are doing it cause they deserve to. They are living what they feel.

I don’t do that. I eat multiple junk snacks a day. I don’t take my medication when I should. I skip exercise. I have meals with no nutrients. I tell myself I’m crap, I’m failing, I’m rubbish, I’m fat. Everyone else is better. If I step out of my head, I realise that if I saw someone else treat another person the way I treat myself, I wouldn’t think it was out of love. More of loathing. And I’d tell them to STOP FFS!

It was really hammered home to me when I was looking through pictures to delete from my hard drive. I came across one from a year ago. I hated the picture, I hated how I looked, my skin, my weight, my hair. Everything. I showed it to a couple of people. One of them said, “no! that wasn’t just a year ago”. A couple more said, “you look amazing!” And looking back I thought, I look pretty good.

AND THERE IT IS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! The problem isn’t physical. I have always disliked my appearance and do need to find a way to work to work on that. I wonder what photo I was looking at last year thinking of how I looked great at some other date that it was impossible to go back to.

So I’m babbling a bit, but I think what I’m trying to say is that I need to practice self love before I feel it. Be a bit nicer to myself, put the right things into my body, sleep when I need it (and when allowed by children), exercise and move to build up my strength mentally and physically. Stop being a dick to myself. So easy to say.

So to end on one of my favourite phrases…..let’s see!